…..it’s been another long long lapse in my writing any freewrites, One -- because of the papers I had due for this EMDT 167 class, and Two -- because I almost never think of it any more, its seems as tho I’m too tired, too busy, too pre-occupied with something else to even think about doing a regime of freewrites, tho I always wish I had them to show for the time that has passed, to have some sense of continuity of where my head has been at in the past several months, ah well, writer’s lament, never the time energy or whathaveyou doing to do all the writing that fills your mind and emotions……here it is a mere 4 days before xmas, I’ve all my shopping done, (save finding Mom’s matching gold necklace for the pendant I bought her way back), got the tree mostly decorated last night and this morning, havent gone into too terrible much debt in my shopping, thus I’m in a fairly good mood, all things considered, am even hoping I might actually be able to get holiday letter out this year, for a radical change of pace, I always dearly long to do so, but either run out of time, or am so overwhelmed with everything else that is going on that its February before I can consider sitting down to think about it all…..it would certainly be nice, would mean alot to me to for once be able to Send xmas cards rather than just Receive them,,,,too many people I’m losing touch with because I never write, and I hate that, frustrates me deeply….so anyways, went to November’s second ballet pageant yesterday, she was so cute with getting ready, hanging out with her girlfriends, intently watching the other dancers, enjoying being a part of it all,
I brought her a silver tipped carnation bouquet this time (to match her “Snowflake” costume), and she asked me if I’d bring her a different bouquet everytime she danced…..I had to laugh at that one, told her instead that everytime she had a different costume I’d bring her a different bouquet (and I can see I’ve gotten myself into lifelong obligation here…!) oh well, its fun for at least now, I hope to not spoil her or have her take it for granted to receive flowers at performances,,,I want her to just know I’m cheering her on in her dancing, wherever that may take her, or just for the love of it, is the main thing………..still, I feel very out of it, that I’m missing out on so much of her life, and am not included like was once before, last january’s hospitalization, which was the dread I always tried to express to Miles, I wasn’t “officially” family, and could be voted out at anytime, Miles himself was fairly distant to me yesterday, whether due to not feeling well (he had a bad cold) or leftover anger from my confronting him about the faith issues, I’m not sure, just tried to give him space, after it was quite apparent that he wasn’t up for being around me, just tried to stay pleasant and cheerful, in the face of everything, so I don’t know…..for a lot of things and a lot of reasons I could be very down right now, distance between Miles & November, job at UC coming to an end shortly, Scott Stolsenberg dropping out of my life so suddenly, reminders of it being just a year since I lost Romeow and on top of still not being with anyone to call my own as a family….but curiously right now I’m still in a fairly decent mood, hope I can continue to maintain this outlook, cause there’ll be some rough going ahead, still sitting on the fence as to when to make my move with leaving ALC, 
havent precisely lined up jobs with the Temp Agencies, but am putting things together to that end….a scary leap into the unknown, but I am much I could precisely figure out how to screw them out of my “expertise” on the first day of the Quarter, but also not damage my future possibilities with UC, plus collect on my sick leave, trying so hard to strategize all this in my head, making calls, talking to various people, setting things up, I hate that it has come to this, to leave UC under these terms, but its in self-defense, fairly soon they will technically “fire me”, and I’ll really be left w/ nada, so my only recourse is to strike first, and screw that bitch BrendaLM, who promised me everything & delivered nothing, except to use me for her own purposes, and worst of all, to use my illness against me, after all I’ve tried to do to help her salvage the wreck that UC made of destroying CECE, I’m sick of it, pissed, furious, and nastily vengeful, so want to strike back and hurt them/her where it counts, to do my best despite terrible strain on me and to be so devalued and under-appreciated, just makes me rageful, snarling and wanting to retaliate, no not very grown-up or mature, not encompassing much sense of detachment of the situation, but probably how I’ll wind up playing my cards, because some one as powerless as me does not have much more than a temper-tantrum at her disposal, c’est la vie, I’ll grow up the next job……and again, but any ways, sucky subject, don’t really want to rant anymore because it makes me too angry, so wish I could tell her off to her face, bitch-slap her ruthlessness, her lies, manipulation and lack of regard for someone trying their best, ~but Screw Them!…….trying to focus on the new year ahead, for some reason, more than even getting the LD diagnosed, I feel like 2004 Will be the year I finish the BS, and for some stranger reason, I feel more optimistic about finding the one for me.....H'mmmm, we shall see, eh?
I brought her a silver tipped carnation bouquet this time (to match her “Snowflake” costume), and she asked me if I’d bring her a different bouquet everytime she danced…..I had to laugh at that one, told her instead that everytime she had a different costume I’d bring her a different bouquet (and I can see I’ve gotten myself into lifelong obligation here…!) oh well, its fun for at least now, I hope to not spoil her or have her take it for granted to receive flowers at performances,,,I want her to just know I’m cheering her on in her dancing, wherever that may take her, or just for the love of it, is the main thing………..still, I feel very out of it, that I’m missing out on so much of her life, and am not included like was once before, last january’s hospitalization, which was the dread I always tried to express to Miles, I wasn’t “officially” family, and could be voted out at anytime, Miles himself was fairly distant to me yesterday, whether due to not feeling well (he had a bad cold) or leftover anger from my confronting him about the faith issues, I’m not sure, just tried to give him space, after it was quite apparent that he wasn’t up for being around me, just tried to stay pleasant and cheerful, in the face of everything, so I don’t know…..for a lot of things and a lot of reasons I could be very down right now, distance between Miles & November, job at UC coming to an end shortly, Scott Stolsenberg dropping out of my life so suddenly, reminders of it being just a year since I lost Romeow and on top of still not being with anyone to call my own as a family….but curiously right now I’m still in a fairly decent mood, hope I can continue to maintain this outlook, cause there’ll be some rough going ahead, still sitting on the fence as to when to make my move with leaving ALC, 
havent precisely lined up jobs with the Temp Agencies, but am putting things together to that end….a scary leap into the unknown, but I am much I could precisely figure out how to screw them out of my “expertise” on the first day of the Quarter, but also not damage my future possibilities with UC, plus collect on my sick leave, trying so hard to strategize all this in my head, making calls, talking to various people, setting things up, I hate that it has come to this, to leave UC under these terms, but its in self-defense, fairly soon they will technically “fire me”, and I’ll really be left w/ nada, so my only recourse is to strike first, and screw that bitch BrendaLM, who promised me everything & delivered nothing, except to use me for her own purposes, and worst of all, to use my illness against me, after all I’ve tried to do to help her salvage the wreck that UC made of destroying CECE, I’m sick of it, pissed, furious, and nastily vengeful, so want to strike back and hurt them/her where it counts, to do my best despite terrible strain on me and to be so devalued and under-appreciated, just makes me rageful, snarling and wanting to retaliate, no not very grown-up or mature, not encompassing much sense of detachment of the situation, but probably how I’ll wind up playing my cards, because some one as powerless as me does not have much more than a temper-tantrum at her disposal, c’est la vie, I’ll grow up the next job……and again, but any ways, sucky subject, don’t really want to rant anymore because it makes me too angry, so wish I could tell her off to her face, bitch-slap her ruthlessness, her lies, manipulation and lack of regard for someone trying their best, ~but Screw Them!…….trying to focus on the new year ahead, for some reason, more than even getting the LD diagnosed, I feel like 2004 Will be the year I finish the BS, and for some stranger reason, I feel more optimistic about finding the one for me.....H'mmmm, we shall see, eh?
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