……am comfortably at home, and very tired, but its not quite time to go to bed, yet I’m too sleepy to do any work on the midterm of my Philos 231 class, that I’m already two days behind in completing, again I find myself stuck on that fine panicked edge of not being able to write smoothly and easily, despite having plenty of knowledge AND being absolutely fascinated with the subject matter, its been much like the experience with the “Power of Myth” tapes, at one time I was completely fascinated by the discussions, but did not understand it at’all, now I’ve come full circle, not certain what year it was that I first borrowed Miles’ book on Gionordo Bruno, or we first discussed alchemical theories, but now its all coming together in my mind, and makes it more poignant that he’s not here to discuss these things with, so many questions I’d like to ask him about his current perspective, if he is still as interested in Alchemy as he once was, probably not, he’s moved onto to a deeper faith in God through Christianity, which antithetical to the magical thinking of the Gnostics, Hermeticists and alchemists, and magical thinking that I realize I have always held with, the pantheistic view that all of the world is divine on some level, and the view of the divine imprint in world via symbols, numerology, archetypes, etc. Something at last to define my sense of things, and why I call myself a mystic, tho very much Not a mystic in the Xtian tradition……..but at any rate, it’s a slightly humid evening in the apartment, & I’m still abit restless, once I finish the freewrite I will take the major drugs and knock myself out into sleep oblivion, so that I can awake rested for once this week, things kinda snowball when I worry over the paper, then cant sleep, then cant work on the paper cause I’m too brain dead, then cant sleep cause its not finished, and so on and so on
….glad I didn’t have to go into to much major excuses with the Prof. today, just hope I can get my act together to have both items completed by next Tuesday, then move on to other Incompletes for the summer, my one and only goal….the drugs do make it easier to cope over all, but things still seem rather pointless, with not having November and Miles in my world, without being able to plan or look forward to any events with them in it, today I posted some photos from back in Oct 2002 on the respective WebPages, lord only knows if that’ll make miles angry or upset,, but I just cant turn off all the emotion I feel for those two, matter how strongly he doesn’t want me as part of their lives now, I will do my best to respect his wishes, stay away from him, not ask anything of him, but November is harder, I cant stand the thought of her feeling like I’ve abandoned her, or I don’t love her anymore, or I don’t want to come visit with her anymore, I keep thinking about writing a brief note each month to her, just to keep the connection between us, but always fearing that Miles will just see that as an excuse, or manipulative, when its actually not about him at all…..I could write him off in my mind for the time being, but with November its so much harder, there’s so much I want to be there for, so much I feel I’m missing out on, losing her from my life, which echoes back to all the losses of all the children I’ve been forced to give up due to my mental illness over the years, now here’s another one…..sigh. Flashed onto talking with Mike C. about it, how has she’s been able to stand by me and take me in, time after time, and not judge me for being ill, just dealt with wherever I was at, she is a gift, and a truer christian some of those other pious sorts (sarcasm! bitterness!!) Ah well, count your blessing for the few you have found K*, not Jesus’ fault that everyone didn’t follow his teachings Exactly…..(ahem!) anyways, starting to slip into the cardinal rules against freewrites, playing around with the spellcheck, seeing how many lines I’ve left to the bottom of the page, setting up the device drive to print after I’m done, interrupting the nature flow of thoughts and letting the thoughts lead where they will by suddenly feeling like I’ve nothing left to say….another flash onto that grove of woods between Waycross and Islandale, that I used to take on my walks to and from school in 7th and 8th grade, and how I tried basing a story on a 12yr old boy discovering a runaway girl hiding out in the woods, like I used to wish someone would find me in that woods alone and crying, how that place was such a sacred refuge for me during those years, the torments of 7th and 8th grade, the gangs that beat up on me, lying in wait, a time when I didn’t really feel like I had close friends, as my friendships with Sue, diannie and Dee had not cemented as they would in the next few years, and all the misunderstanding I received at home, constant battles with Mom, my drinking heavily on the sly to escape the pain….the year was 1974-1975, h’mmph, the year that Miles was born, that I got Sheltie for my birthday, that my heart was torn apart by Sue’s moving away to Philadelphia, and Kevin Sypolt not returning my adolescent affections….yeesh, it’s coming up on 30yrs ago, next year it will be 30 years since that time in my life, and now Sue died at 33yrs of leukemia, Kevin lives somewhere near Cleveland is probably married, Miles is approaching the 30 yr marker I’d always wanted to see him hit, and I’ve survived forty-odd years of suicide attempts, alcoholism, mental illness, loss of friends, much time being a social outcast, always on the outside of the crowd, yet still surviving, still progressing still trying to make sense of it all and trying figure out some sort of spiritual meaningfulness to my life, feeling there’s got to be something more to all this utter nonsense and pain for me to be one who has survived it. Yet I still don’t know, have no clue, feel adrift, without purpose, forever alone……yet oh so good at surviving it all………………………………………
….glad I didn’t have to go into to much major excuses with the Prof. today, just hope I can get my act together to have both items completed by next Tuesday, then move on to other Incompletes for the summer, my one and only goal….the drugs do make it easier to cope over all, but things still seem rather pointless, with not having November and Miles in my world, without being able to plan or look forward to any events with them in it, today I posted some photos from back in Oct 2002 on the respective WebPages, lord only knows if that’ll make miles angry or upset,, but I just cant turn off all the emotion I feel for those two, matter how strongly he doesn’t want me as part of their lives now, I will do my best to respect his wishes, stay away from him, not ask anything of him, but November is harder, I cant stand the thought of her feeling like I’ve abandoned her, or I don’t love her anymore, or I don’t want to come visit with her anymore, I keep thinking about writing a brief note each month to her, just to keep the connection between us, but always fearing that Miles will just see that as an excuse, or manipulative, when its actually not about him at all…..I could write him off in my mind for the time being, but with November its so much harder, there’s so much I want to be there for, so much I feel I’m missing out on, losing her from my life, which echoes back to all the losses of all the children I’ve been forced to give up due to my mental illness over the years, now here’s another one…..sigh. Flashed onto talking with Mike C. about it, how has she’s been able to stand by me and take me in, time after time, and not judge me for being ill, just dealt with wherever I was at, she is a gift, and a truer christian some of those other pious sorts (sarcasm! bitterness!!) Ah well, count your blessing for the few you have found K*, not Jesus’ fault that everyone didn’t follow his teachings Exactly…..(ahem!) anyways, starting to slip into the cardinal rules against freewrites, playing around with the spellcheck, seeing how many lines I’ve left to the bottom of the page, setting up the device drive to print after I’m done, interrupting the nature flow of thoughts and letting the thoughts lead where they will by suddenly feeling like I’ve nothing left to say….another flash onto that grove of woods between Waycross and Islandale, that I used to take on my walks to and from school in 7th and 8th grade, and how I tried basing a story on a 12yr old boy discovering a runaway girl hiding out in the woods, like I used to wish someone would find me in that woods alone and crying, how that place was such a sacred refuge for me during those years, the torments of 7th and 8th grade, the gangs that beat up on me, lying in wait, a time when I didn’t really feel like I had close friends, as my friendships with Sue, diannie and Dee had not cemented as they would in the next few years, and all the misunderstanding I received at home, constant battles with Mom, my drinking heavily on the sly to escape the pain….the year was 1974-1975, h’mmph, the year that Miles was born, that I got Sheltie for my birthday, that my heart was torn apart by Sue’s moving away to Philadelphia, and Kevin Sypolt not returning my adolescent affections….yeesh, it’s coming up on 30yrs ago, next year it will be 30 years since that time in my life, and now Sue died at 33yrs of leukemia, Kevin lives somewhere near Cleveland is probably married, Miles is approaching the 30 yr marker I’d always wanted to see him hit, and I’ve survived forty-odd years of suicide attempts, alcoholism, mental illness, loss of friends, much time being a social outcast, always on the outside of the crowd, yet still surviving, still progressing still trying to make sense of it all and trying figure out some sort of spiritual meaningfulness to my life, feeling there’s got to be something more to all this utter nonsense and pain for me to be one who has survived it. Yet I still don’t know, have no clue, feel adrift, without purpose, forever alone……yet oh so good at surviving it all………………………………………
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