late on a tuesday evening...

………….strange, I just looked at the stats of this disc version & the computer hardcopy of this file, and I did not realize it had been since 9 days ago that I last wrote/accessed anything to this ‘renewed journal’,,,,because I’ve wanted to on at least a dozen occasions, and thot that I Had managed at least once, but guess not --! Frustrating, I’ve been so much in the mood to write on various occasions lately, even today I kept wanting to get to it all work-day long, and then even after the office closed I really wished that I could, but I knew that in order to 1) read the chapter 2) get something to eat 3) drive to Redeemer, I would run late if I attempted to do any more than just that, so again I had to forgo writing, and I had gone to bed last night with the mindset of getting up in enough time to do some sort of freewrite, but of course, no, overslept and rushed around getting ready for work again, so yet another missed, frustrated instance where nothing gets on the page, and even tonight, tho I Am getting to it, by now my brain is tired, the thoughts I’d wanted to capture are gone, and I’m much more in the mood to eat, watch TV, go to bed with a book and read, trying to mindfully marshal my thoughts together at the end of the day just isnt the same as having alert, awake, mindful thoughts on things, I’m always regretting and feeling frustrated with any time I get into lots of reading for some class, to not be able to write extensively my thoughts, reactions and discourse to it, right now I‘ve got Teresa of Avila’s Interior Castle along with St John’s Dark Night of the Soul’ that I’d like to write much more coherently on, plus the other books I acquired recently from Half Priced: on the Labyrinth, symbology, myth and ritual, then my recent reading on old paganism and ritual magick, as well as the two new books I got on friday about Mysticism and The Art of Sexual Magic, and even this book I got as a freebie from the cleaning out of the offices, A Norton Anthology on African American Literature, I get wanting to pick it up and read and write about it, altho I don’t have any time to do so, between the 2 books for my “Mysticism “ class and EFM readings….which I want to write on as well…….I guess it’s a good thing to have this interest and impulsion to want to read and write about so much lately, to be excited about such things, tho I’m continually frustrated in my efforts to write very much, and don’t know if I come up with anything very deep, critical or analytical to write over any of these things, just seems like I have such surface responses to things, cant seem to get into any deeper, more expansive, integrated view on such writings, in my response paper last night, all I could write regarding Teresa’s words was her self-deprecating language, couldn’t get past that to any level to perhaps consider Why she used such word choice or possible ends of using such language, or even look past it to understand the significance of what she intended to say beyond that,,,,,I just got all caught up in the words themselves, and couldn’t break through to any deeper level ~ again, frustrating. oh well ….what else is going on about my head, am almost wanting to abandon this right now, go off and do some of the reading I spoke about, curl up with my written journal, go stir up some more ideas and things to write of, at this point it feels as if I’ll just babble on nothing in order to fill up the page, and I don’t want it to come to that ,nor do I want to fill the page with mindless ramblings, its
more of that urgent, wanting to record, wanting to capture, wanting to write/create something real and meaty that grabs me from time to time, without there being anything solid behind it, backing it up as a solid foundation, h’mmmm….something to do with Fall, and colder weather and darker days and holing up inside with a brewed spice tea or a caffe latte to scribble one’s deep thoughts that appeals…..