Tuesdays' EFM was strange, unusual as my "slice" was chosen for Theological Reflection, & it was interesting A) the level of interest in it, yet B) how not one of each person’s "onboard experience" concerned themselves, but a different family member, whether that's aberrant or denial, is hard for me to say, but seemed suspect, you cant tell me you havent all felt great sadness, despair, yet a split second of an outer force of compassion at some point in your life?? I'm the only one whose life is messed up?? h'mmmm , will have to mention that one Miles, see how he'd view it -- Me, I split into either they're not being honest about whatever pains there have been for them, or I'm the only one living a continued pathetic life of such self-absorbed bathos & pathos, spending all my time rolling around in self-pitying muck, that I don’t know how to see what good things are right in front of me, again don’t know, my defense is I only respond with what I feel, and it is true that I feel that most of the time, as I said to Miles the other night, I'm trying to get my head around this idea of never marrying, never having children of my own, not that I rule it out but that its too damned painful to keep going on in such longing expectation, I have to make the focus of my life
something else or else go crazy with what I don’t have, and for me it IS a very hard concept to take in, digest, own, all of my major life's decisions were made on the basis of that one day being reality, I'd worked on myself & sacrificed the things I did so that I could be able to be the best wife and mother possible.........and well, guess what, aint gonna happen, just isn't in the cards for ya, dearie, so what else what else, to keep building on dreams and hopes and desires that you cannot achieve is a kind of insanity, or drives one alittle insane as a result, I have to somehow, someway, set it aside, let it go, tho it involves redefining my whole perspective on who I am, or wanted to be, or what I wanted to do with my life, and if it comes back around to find me- Great, but I have to give up hope of that, or not survive. As I write this, I feel huge waves f sorrow & rage & grief rising up in my throat, locking in my chest, so deep it's hard to let it out, easier to diffuse & distract, disassociate from the intensity, yet maybe it what I should try to tap into, release, instead of letting it bottle up & spew in such odd ways, that mean-spirited, nasty, bitchy sarcasm that comes out even with people I like & respect, my personality being one big construction against deflecting the pain & sorrow & enormous jealousy that others have the things I long for, that makes one a continuous "sour grapes" kind of bitter brat, my bitterness has long swallowed up all the generosity I used to feel for others, feeling my turn would come. No more, & that’s one aspect that has to go, change, transform. Don’t know where to start with that tho...........another h'mmm subject....As a different aside, I watched over the weekend, Last Tango in Paris, Unbearable Lightness of Being, and a dull little movie called "Tom & Viv", supposedly about TS Eliot and his wife, poorly written & structured. I find it odd that A) they called "Tango" an erotic movie when its actually about rage & hatred so deep in a man that it has even poisoned his sexual life, he can no longer make love in the true sense to any woman, can only hurt & debase; & B) the tag line for T&V said "about the Poet's passionate relationship with his wife", when actually he was quite subdued and withdrawn, & she was suffering from mental illness before they know what to diagnose it as. Where the hell are the REAL movies about REAl SEX, passion, human intimacy, why are the only forms of sexuality shown in movies either rape, homosexual, or otherwise kinky, debasing, or some adolescent titillated bullcrap, rather than just adults, just average hetero consenting adults, I think there's a whole huge world of sexuality to be explored in that arena, without throwing in all the hoops & whistles & taboo angles, just good ol sex, adult sex, where are the movies that deal with healthy adult sex??
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