my day of parental thoughts & feelings....

i'm lucky enough to have a very special relationship with my best friend’s little girl. She is truly the Light of my Life. I have been very involved in her life since day one. And because of her parents’ early financial difficulties, i often spent whole days taking care of her. Since i have but 1 sibling & few cousins—none of whom have children, she was the First infant i got to take care of, and for that alone she became very dear to me. Also, when she came along, i was finally at that place in my life where i was ready to be “parental”: had time, patience, and relished every moment with her. So in a way, i’ve become sort of a 3rd parent to her; she even used to play with things, identifying them as “The Mommy, the Daddy, and the Kay”, as if every family had “a Kay” in the family. :) She’s now almost 8 yrs, and earlier this week, i spent my whole bday with her: we went to a bookstore & bought books together, stopped by my apt to play with my kitties, went to a playground for a while to play with local kids, came home & ate dinner together, got her ready for bed, played with Barbies & Horsies, then read a story before before tucking her into bed. Some weeks i get to help her with her homework, or take her out for a trip to a horse barn or pony ride or to the library to pick out books; last week we went down to the creek in her backyard & collected fossils together. And of course, come every holiday, be it Valentine’s or Halloween or just Monday night, i absolutely deluge her with gifts (which i know i should put some limit to), but i Constantly see things i want to give her….and i’m weak that way. If the Husband & children dreams never come true, she will be closest i’ll ever have to raising a child. And i treasure how bright, funny, creative, individual, feisty and strong-willed child she is—the greatest gift she has given me is vividly showing me that i was truly better as a possible parent at 36yr than i would have Ever been at 19yr. Sometimes when i am most tormented by thoughts of “what might have been…”, i look at the relationship i have with this precious child, and think i was meant to be apart of her life, in a way i couldnt have ever been to my own children any earlier in my life…
Its hard to sum up an entry like this…it just strikes even me that the best thing i wanted to do for my Own birthday was to spend the whole day with Her—treating her to special things all day long. Is that parental, or parental Longing? Or does it even matter?....She’s a wonderful child that feels safe and secure and happy enough to go to sleep when i’m around…

(photo is of me & her, laughing over numbers in a book—she was counting the page numbers in the 1,000’s!)