Thursday afternoon )

……I don’t what it is about depression or grief or whatever it is I’m “moot” feeling that makes me such a numb, inert brain & body,,,,,didn’t go to work, slept for various periods, and even now when I should be getting out the door to accomplish a few things I could to redeem this day, I’m sitting here stalling at the computer, even tho if I don’t go soon it means there’ll be no internet access for tonight,,,,,helplessness of either no money or no car or not knowing what to do with pain……ever since hearing the words from the nurse at Bethesda North that Parker had died, I have been in such a numb funk, helpless, weepy, walking in circles…..i guess, as I write this, it opens up too much of that helpless overwhelmed (damn it, I just shut it down again, before I could even describe what it is about inside,,,,) trying to let the fact of Parker’s death sink in, and how shaky, out of control it makes me in my nerves, for the impact that will have on my parents, especially Leason, poor Leason, who is under such strains, and God Damn It he has to lose the one bright point in his weekly life, his dear friend Parker, who has been such a good friend to Leason & Mom, so thoughtful & brought such good-natured fun into their drab world, they just don’t make friends, and they are few who’d be so good to them as Parker was,,,,,,and I feel out of control because I cant protect them from that, I cant save them from this loss, prevent it stop it, shield them or fix it in any way,,,,and I cant bear what it'll do to them, it scares me, they’re on such shaking ground as it is,,,,,and I ‘m still suckered into wanting “care-take” , as if they’re my children, not the other way around,,,,,well, at least at this point , with tears running down my face, I’ve accessed the emotion, its utter fear for the loss of control I feel, that I feel they are now vulnerable and helpless & I don’t know what to do, I cant protect them from the hole that Parker’s death will leave in their life….it just makes me so sad for Leason, it just isn’t fair to have Parker snatched away from him like this, and then the strain between Parker’s daughter & Jean, no real funeral or service, no closure or real chance to get to say goodbye,,,,I caught Leason’s slip / hesitation when I was there Tuesday night, how he started to say “when Anna called Helen to tell her that Parker had…...about Parker.” He couldn’t even bear to say the words out loud, he’s trying to hold it all in , stuff it down,,,,,another thought / insight that came to me while stumbling around in my numbness, is that this is the same way that Leason’s father Gusty left his life, suddenly, and by refusing to go to the hospital, until it was too late,,,,,,and I suddenly got it as to why Leason’s willing to run Mom to the hospital on the slightest whim, or why he handles all that so irrationally,,,,its jerking him around inside on a perpetual hypervigilance….fearing one day the worst will be that Mom’s died too…..

….my thoughts run dry, but it was good to get this on the page.